It’s taken me a long time to accept that this whole baby thing is really going to happen. Even now that I’m well past the point of most miscarriages, I still find myself saying things like, “assuming we’re going to have a baby in August…”
It’s not that I have such a morbid outlook on life. It’s just, well, the first month my husband and I started trying to conceive, I felt pregnancy symptoms immediately. I waited until the end of the month to take the home test, like you’re supposed to, and it was positive. And we were so happy, and I was stunned, because I never thought something so amazing would just happen, without any struggle or pain, without having to fight for it.
And then a couple days later I started my period. And my mind said, “No, amazing things don’t just happen.”
The next month it happened all over again and I started to get a little crazy wondering how many months I would have to feel the queasiness and the pain of my swollen breasts only to NOT be actually pregnant at the end of the month, and to start all over again.
But it turned out to be only three months and then I was really, actually pregnant. That certainly doesn’t constitute fertility struggles, not in the least. But all it took was that initial swift kick to the gut – amazing things don’t just happen to you – to destroy my confidence in the possibility of a normal, healthy pregnancy.
So the weeks went by with me telling myself, I might be having a baby, or it could all be over tomorrow. Que será será. But the weeks kept passing and I realized I should probably accept the fact that I’m most likely going to have a live baby in August.
Well holy hell, how do you wrap your mind around THAT?!?
I decided you start with a name. We already had a shortlist of boys’ and girls’ names but I couldn’t wait to find out the sex – I needed a name NOW. So my husband recommended Little Bean based on a conversation we once had that went like this:
Husband: Guess what I read in the news? The world’s smallest puppy was born yesterday.
Me, gasping: Is it just the size of a little bean??
Husband: Well, no, it’s bigger than that…
Me, jumping up and down: IT’S JUST THE SIZE OF A LITTLE BEAN!!!!
So it was Little Bean for several weeks. But by the time we went for a sonogram at 12 weeks, Little Bean was measuring three inches!! That’s definitely bigger than a bean. And when I saw the picture on the screen, I thought, “Oh my god. We need a new name.”
I knew I was supposed to be flooded with feelings of joy and excitement but really I was just a little stunned. The first time we saw Little Bean was a transvaginal ultrasound at 7 weeks – and it actually looked just like a bean. Now there was a head and a spine and little hands moving around. We definitely needed a new name.
As if she’d read my mind, the sonogram technician tried to help me out. She said, “Here’s your little angel. Here’s Angel’s legs all folded up, here’s Angel’s hand waving.”
Whoa, lady, Slow your roll. It is a fetus. Hopefully it will be a baby, but it is never going to be an angel.
She continued, “There’s Angel’s little nose. And you can see the little eye sockets – do you see the little skull face?”
Case closed, end of discussion.
Baby Skullface is coming August 2017, and we can hardly wait.